Reminiscing

        I totally didn't want to write those vows. I can't believe that was an english assignment, talk about some inoppotune timing.... Being at a pinnacle point of heartbreak, I did not want to be doing lovey-dovey things. Why is life so ironic? Things you don't want to think about always pops up, things; things you should know and remember, you don't. It's so dumb. But at least I haven't had dream about him lately, so at least I have some solace. I have this ominious feeling that he'll pop back up somewhere thoguh. but for now, all thoughts of him have been suppressed, well for the most. These blogs obviously mean that I'm thinking of him, but I don't know why. He wasn't even real, just some figment of my imagination that grew rampant and out of control. He was fake right? I mean, I don't have an explicit answer to that, I do have a wild imagination, so it's the most logical answer. My mind has always comprised of unrealistic imgination. Like when I was younger, my uncle told me that he saw a deer that looked just like me, so I thought of a deer with my head as her head.... obviously I've neve realy been a logical thinker. But is my mind really crazy enough to extirpate all happiness from myself? I need help...

The Perfect Vow

"Love is like the wind,

"You can't see it but you can feel it."

"I finally understand what true love meant

Love meant that you care for another person's happiness

"More than your own."

"Every great love starts with a great story."

"The first time you fall in love, it changes you forever."

"True love is rare."

"I love you, not just now,

"But for always."

"I vow to help you love life"

"To speak when words are needed

"To share the silence when they are not."

"I vow to live within the warmth of your heart."

"I vow to love you."

"We fell in love despite out differences"

"So it's not going to be easy"
"No matter what challenges might carry us apart,

"We will always find a way back to each other."

"Nothing that's worthwhile is ever easy."

"You are my best friend as well as lover"

"You are, and always been, my dream."

"I want all of you, forever"

"You and me."

"I will always be yours.

I love you more than you'll ever know

I got to watch you change and grow, 

Love is hard, but with you it's easy

Pinky promise you'll always love me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=et6t1j1Ykjo&feature=youtu.be

Depressed.....

        I don't care if panacea solves everything, nothing can solve this problem I'm going through. I need sleep so bad, but I just can't sleep! What if I see him again? I need to expunge this malevolent creature from my mind.  He's in my head somewhere, just skulking, waiting for me to let down my guard and then BAM! He's going to attack like a ninja. So that's why I haven't been sleeping too well lately. I'm very scrupulous as to what I dream about, anything affiliated with him, and I snap myself awake. As of now, avoiding him is esteem, it's the only way I can avoid getting my heart broken again. No matter what I do, what I try, what kind of guy I'm with, it all converges to me getting my heart broken, and now it's happening in my dream. What am I going to do. All my bad luck with boys have to be finite right? I won't die sad and alone right? Every time I get close to someone and I finally trust them, they disperse and I never hear from them again. At this point, love is an attainment I don't think I'll achieve.

Nightmare....

        I don't know how my fantasy of him could be destroyed so quickly?! Going too the ball with him was kind of horrible, I almost want to cry! I've been musing about what this dream was going to be like for the past few weeks! And then this happens? I just want to delete the dream from my memory. Why couldn't it be like one of those dreams that I can't remember 15 minutes after I wake up?
        Well the dream picked up where it left off, at my front door. He said that I looked nice and then we walked awkwardly to the limo that he rode. I have to admit, the limo was quite magnificent, but the ride wasn't...
        I tried to make conversation with him, but I guess I'm so negligible because he didn't bother to acknowledge me. I was so confused! It seemed like I was an adversary, just harassing with all my ice breaker questions. I thought we were falling in love in the last dream, what happened? In the last dream, seeing him exhilarated me, our eyes connected and I saw firework. Now I can't even stand the thought of him anymore! I don't want to dream about him ever again. I can't believe a guy in my dream actually broke my heart.... is that even possible?
        And the worse part of all of this, is that I just realized I don't even know his name! I just keep saying "I hate the guy from my dream," it's starting to make me sound crazy, but that might be because I haven't been sleeping. For the last few days I've been too craven to sleep, I don't want to risk dreaming of him again. I've been trying everything to keep from passing out. I've worked on my culinary skills, staying up all night cooking every recipe I found in "Cooking with Rachel Ray." I've taken up knitting, sewing, origami, I even started to clean my house; I hate cleaning my house. But somehow, his conniving artifices keeps coercing me into falling asleep, but it's not like I'd sleep well. I keep waking up every hour in a cold sweat. I don't understand any of this. I hate boys, they break your heart, but then they won't let you go, even the imaginary ones I guess.

It was him again!

        OMG! I dreamt of him again! Except years have passed this time, we weren't in high school anymore. He had actually just returned from his second tour in Afghanistan. He had called me three nights ago to tell me he was back and that he wanted to take me out to dinner. It seemed like an benevolent invitation, so I said yes.
        We met up in this cute little restaurant "Serendipity." He was quiet at first and he had this grimace of sorrow on his face. I asked him what was wrong and he answered, but he seemed hesitant while he was speaking. He was very meticulous with the details he was releasing, as if he wasn't supposed to be talking about it. I suddenly got this feeling of nostalgia for the last dream I had when, even though he was shy, he seemed more comfortable with me. As weird as the night was going, he told me that he had asked me here to invite me to be his date to a military ball. He was going to be the guest of honor, so he wanted to at least show up with a date. I was flattered that he asked me of all people. At the ball, he was being extolled for his bravery over in Afghanistan. He didn't feel like he deserved it, but I don't know why he'd think that after hearing about why he was being awarded the medal.
        His company was sent out on a secret mission to raid what was thought to be a terrorist hide-out. Unfortunately the mission was cursorily planned and so it went array and they were caught in a holocaust. Shots were being fired left and right and it didn't seem feasible for anyone to get out alive. Three of his fellow men were hit and trapped in the mist of the cross fires, so he had risked his life to drag them to safety one by one. He said he could feel the bullets pass by. Oh my gosh! When he said that, I couldn't help myself but scrutinize the parts of him that I could see. But he seemed fine, no scars that I could see. He probably saw the horror in my eyes and so he reassured me he was fine, "haha I'm fine Linh, the bullets just flew by, I have Superman powers so I'm impervious to flying bullets." That's not funny, he had me worried! But whoa, it was nice hearing him say my name, I think I started to blush cause I could feel my face getting hot. 
        Well the next thing I know, I'm in my room getting dressed for the ball. Then the bell rang and when I opened it, there he was, in his Class-A's. We met eyes and I felt butteflies in my stomach it was one of those movie moments, and then... I WOKE UP! NO!

My Strange Friend....

        Recently, I had this strange dream about some guy that I don't even know, I have never seen him before in my life. Except I think he was my best friend or something of that nature in my dream, he was the only person who would talk to me. But he totally creeped me out at first. He had this ominous feel to him. When we were talking, he continually had this dour expression on his face. His hair was also all greasy, and his clothes were too big on him, he just seemed so unkempt. I don't know, his demeanor just gave me this vibe that he had some insidious scheme up his sleeve that he was about to unravel on the entire class. I paid attention to everything he said, hoping he'd give me some intimation as to what he was planning, but nothing ever happened. I should've known that the devious exterior was just a guise though.
        When he spoke, he seem tentative with himself. He had a very soft voice, I could barely hear him half the time. I kept having to ask him to repeat himself. Another thing about his voice, is that I don't think he had hit puberty yet. He's a senior in high school, and he sounds like a 15 year old girl! I caught myself before he could notice that I was bug-eyed and had my mouth gaping at the sound of his voice. It just didn't make sense to me, shouldn't he have hit puberty like six years ago? That's probably why he's so unsure of himself when he speaks, kids have probably gibed him so much about it.
        Voice aside, he was really nice and easy to talk to. We talked about how our day was going so far, what we did the night before, and then our conversation became scattered all over the place. I found out that he's very flexible; he's a gymnast! When he was telling me about how flexible he was, he used the word "pliable," I know those two words mean the same thing, but can you really say that a person is "pliable"? Isn't it just objects that are pliable? I didn't feel like correcting him though. I also learned that he is planning on volunteering to be deployed the second he gets his diploma. Apparently he's been enlisted in the National Guard since he was 17, and he wants nothing more than to get out of this place. And being deployed is his best choice because at least then, he'd be leaving here with a purpose. But I'm worried he's going to be berefted of college life, and what if he doesn't make it back? He'd then be berefted of life altogether! I told him about my concerns and he just shrugged them off. He told me that if he did get a life, it'd be so much harder to leave when he actually did get deployed, he had rather gotten his time all out of the way first. That way if he didn't come back, he didn't leave anyone behind. I was wary as to how to respond to that, ultimately, it was his choice to make. I woke up before I could figure out what I said to him. Now that dream just keeps replaying over, and over in my head, I can't stop thinking about him. And the worse part of all of this is I still don't know who he is, I look for him everywhere I go, but I don't think he is real because I can't find him.

Why I'm Me

           In the 17, almost 18, years I've been around, I've noticed myself grow and change so much. I used to be this extremely timid girl who always hid in the background and barely ever spoke. Now look at me, I'm in a billion clubs at school, and I even anchor on our school's T.V. program. Talk about a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.
         Of course every event and person I've come across has morphed me into the "butterfly" I am today, but the person that had the most impact on making that happen, was my 5th grade best friend, Najma Ismail. As kids, we were polar opposites. I was the girliest girl in the world, and she was a total tomboy. I played with dolls, wore dresses, I was always quiet and polite, and kept to myself. Najma was polite too, but she was so much more outgoing. She played any, and every sport she could, she always wore a jacket and jeans, and she was everyone's friend, even the boys. At 11, I was still avoiding boys.
         Despite our differences, everyday at recess, she'd drag me along to all the kick-ball tournaments, out to the field to pass a football, or over to the nets to kick around a soccer ball with all the boys. I was against it at first, it wasn't "me," but then it started to grow on me, it was fun. Soon I started talking to people more, I learned that I was athletic, and I became so outgoing.
         She broke me out of my shell. Middle school years are awkward for everyone, but for me, let's just say: sweats, ponytails, sports and only guy friends. It was nothing like elementary school, I had become a total tomboy. I outgrew that of course, but thanks to Najma always pushing me as kids, I've become the bubbly, outgoing person I am today. All of it had stuck with me, I'm so confident in myself and I'm willing to try new things and meet new people. I take any chance I can get to stand up in front of people and just act like a total goofball. That was the best thing she taught me: to always have an open mind in life. Without her, I'd probably still me the quiet girl with no friends, hiding in the back corner.